Humour
Got any good jokes? Send them in and we'll all have a laugh.
Here goes;
Two newlyweds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know who the boss is right from the start of the marriage. He takes off his trousers and throws them at her. "Put those on," he says. "I can't wear your trousers," replies his bemused bride. "That's right and don't forget it! I will always wear the pants in this family!" he says.
So the bride takes off her knickers and throws them at her husband with the same request, "Try those on!" “I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
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A young couple head out to the bush on a dark night to have sex. They're at it for about 15 minutes when the man says, "Shit, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman replies, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
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Sue is home alone when the doorbell rings. She opens the door to see her hubby's friend Steve, "Hi Sue, is Jim home?" "No, he went out, but you can wait here for him if you want."
So they sit down and after a few minutes silence Steve says "You know Sue, you have the nicest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred dollars just to see one."
Sue thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell I could use a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows him one for a few moments. He thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer before Steve says "That was so great, I'll give you another hundred dollars if I can see the both of them together."
Sue, surprised at the offer thinks about it for a while before deciding why not? She opens her robe and let's Steve cop a nice long look. Again Steve pays up.
A while later Steve decides to leave and Jim arrives home. "You know, your mate Steve dropped by." says Sue. Jim thinks for a second and says, "Yeah did he drop off that two hundred he owes me?"
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Queen Elizabeth is visiting one of Australia's top hospitals.
During her tour she passes a room where a male patient is masturbating. "Oh my god", she exclaims in horror, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Head Doctor explains, "I'm sorry ma'am, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they will explode and he will die." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they pass a room where a young nurse is giving another patient a blow job. "Oh my God," says the Queen again, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replies, "Same problem, better health plan."
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One day, during a grammar lesson, the teacher asks the class if someone can give her a sentence using the word "beautiful."
Little Mary's hand goes straight up. “Yes Mary” says the teacher. “Today I picked a flower and it was beautiful.” “Excellent Mary!” replies the teacher.
Then, the teacher asks if anyone can give her a sentence using the word beautiful twice. “Miss, Miss,” calls Little Johnny. “Yes Johnny," the teacher responds.
“Well Miss, this morning at breakfast, my sister told the family that she was pregnant, and my Dad said, “Beautiful, f**king beautiful!”
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The School Teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely”. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. Little Mary raises her hand and says "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Well, that isn't entirely correct Mary, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy."
Little Susie decides to have a go and says, "Grass is definitely green." The Teacher replies "Again, that isn't entirely correct. If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown."
Finally Little Johnny gets his turn and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looks at him and says "No...Johnny." Little Johnny replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
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A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist-just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong honey, I love you."
"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink. Stay strong honey, I love you, too."
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